As the months continue to pass, I seemingly wish you could just hit pause and soak in everything around you, but that’s not how life works nor is it made to just sit around and do nothing. I haven’t written in a while because I seemingly haven’t needed to or felt anything to express, to be completely honest.
For a long time now I’ve used writing as a means of expressing what is bothering me internally, but now that things have shaped up I find myself less and less interested in writing about any sort of topic. I know though that I thoroughly enjoy it so why do I allow myself the comfort of saying oh nothing’s wrong so why right?
Well that’s the next phase that I suppose I’m trying to learn. If I only turn to writing in times of need then it will continue that vicious circle (if you know what I mean). Instead of allowing the circle to ever happen I decided to continue writing and hope to prevent the circle from ever taking form, rather creating a new line and now I’m getting far more metaphorical than I really ever imagined to in this piece.
Anyhow I’ve been living exceptionally well in Costa Rica and have thankfully found work in these recent months that are not my typical classes that I give once a week. I’ve been slanted towards grant writing recently and have found the trait rather monotonous and repetitive, but I suppose if they are already set up this way what can one do (anyhow that’s beside the point).
I find it incredibly (insert unknown word here) whenever I tell fellow other (volunteers, family, friends, etc) that I’m working on these grants. The reaction from all is always the same, “Wow, great job”, “Good job, good for you”, I suppose the reactions are fit, but never have I looked about the work with equal mentality. That might be the reason I’m continually an outsider looking in whenever volunteers gather in mass bunches.
Recently I’ve been trying to trace the root of my difference, and although I have not been able to pinpoint an exact ideal, I have at the least conjured up a few notions that may very well lead to the exact ideal.
First off, I am, but am not at the same time like my fellow colleagues. I cannot speak for the whole lot, but for the most part I suppose my background has a lot to do with it. Growing up Latino in America, parents being born in another country and both having fundamental traditional values and simplistic mindsets that do not necessarily expose themselves to the rest of the States ways of thinking.
(Never in any way, shape or form am I trying or not trying to say I’m better or have it harder, or what not in this piece, just an fyi, just trying to see what I can express out of this mind and put to paper and if it so happens to sound that way, than I’m sorry in advance, but maybe not, who knows?).
In addition, I am full percentage male Latino in the bunch of volunteers (what that means is both parents were born in Mexico). This may or may not add to the end all ideal, but it is by far the most notable difference. As much as we like to say that race does not matter, nor should it matter. I’m here to say it does matter, occasionally. A lot of what people feel comfortable around is usually stemming from the location in which they are surrounded and that usually ends up being in their homes (most notably in their home countries as well). The reason I state this is due to the fact that I was asked recently how it felt to live in a Latin country for the first time being Latino. The answer I gave was quite simple, I thoroughly enjoy it, I can walk around without any hint or even smell of blatant, or even subliminal racism floating about. There is no judgment felt when traveling about, and all of the above create a sense of peace inside me that is a feeling unlike any I’ve had.
Truth be to my told unless we lived in a Utopian American society I could say the exact same statement I made above about living in a Latin country, but the fact of the matter is we don’t and it sometimes can get difficult living in such a mixture of traditions and beliefs that it creates a sense of angst and powerless might (or maybe I’m just making that up?)
Coming full circle now with my notion of reactions from telling fellow volunteers I’m writing grants I still suppose I would not react the way most do. My view is simple (or maybe not) but inexplicable at the moment. I’ve been trying to find the word that would sum my feelings towards the reactions and the work itself, but nothing rings a bell. Needless to say my feelings are this, I view it just as normal (but not quite) every day stuff. Nothing special, I suppose what I’m trying to really get at is the idea that I do not like the fact that these two grants that I may or may not get will end up being used as a scale of accomplishments of what I did during my experience as successful good volunteer work.
To me I honestly can’t stand that notion that it’s only based on what you got them rather than what you shared with them and they shared with you. My time with the people in my community is what I appreciate the most, especially the families that consider me part of their family now and never do they look at me and expect anything in return. But I suppose there can’t be an accurate judgment of who integrated more than the others, nor should it ever be a competition of any sorts. Each individual has a unique trait that he or she will bring to their community and I suppose in the end that’s all that really matters.
Well I’m sure I confused you by now, so I’m going to end it right here, because I’m honestly starting to get attacked by bees floating about and I need to move about, so take care to everyone back home.